I thought I would share a satirical column written by Parker Heck, a staff writer for Reynolds High (Asheville) School’s newspaper, “Cedar Cliff Notes.”

Reprinted with permission from the writer.

Hats off to school discipline

Parker Heck
Cedar Cliff Notes

Uneasiness. Apprehension. The queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know that you are in jeopardy.

A cry of safety pierces the tension like a knife. “Sir! SIR!” All of a sudden you know you’re safe when the words leave the mouths of the guardians of our safety, “Give me your hat.” Wow! Incredible save. That was close. It always makes me feel better when I KNOW that the authorities are starting to crack down on the serious discipline offenders.

No hats, no cell phones with the volume turned up. It’s a small price to pay for our own safety. It’s common knowledge that hats and cell phones are strongly related to terrorism.

So the question is: can you wear a hat knowing that your actions are responsible for the funding of terrorist activities? Forget the fights and class-cutting that go on in the school. Hats, the fabric terrorists, are the true danger.

Parking, a forgotten danger that, if not properly monitored, could be catastrophic. That’s why we have the parking system.

The school does not make a profit from the sale of parking permits (how noble). No, the money goes to pay a security guard whose primary function is to make sure we don’t park without paying. How does this keep us safe?

Everyone knows that car thieves roam the parking lot like packs of hyenas looking for an easy profit…straight from YOUR car. I’m glad I paid my $45…are you?

I’m sure you’ve seen it before, the rat who walks into homeroom a minute too late. It disgusts you as you wonder, “Where has he/she been?” But fear no more. Our beloved AC Reynolds has started to seriously crack down on this infestation.

What better way to do this than to stick the offender into ISS where they do homework and then busywork while they miss their classes and slip even farther behind in their grades. IN YOUR FACE! Ladies and gentlemen, I present the effectiveness of our great education and discipline system.

A weasel of a student is walking through the hall, and you’re horrified to see her lift up her arms and see, oh please, no, not a whole inch of midriff!! This is simply disgusting. Can anyone possibly protect us from this affliction? It’s OK. They’ve got this one under control also. Too many violations, and the perpetrator gets OSS, the most extreme discipline policy of our school.

Yes, too many violations of any kind will result in out of school suspension, the unspeakable punishment. What better way to crack down on out-of-control kids who hate school than to…not make them come to school.

Many serious offenders consider OSS to “be almost as bad as the last three-day weekend.” What’s more, it makes the offenders look stupid because they fail everything that happens the days they were gone. Who could’ve masterminded a system so brilliant?

If you’re worrying how safe you’ll be outside of school, have no fear. The school authorities can now enter our personal lives and use information from Web sites such as “myspace” and “facebook” to find the cockroaches who participate in illegal activities outside of school and kick them off the sports teams. Yes, we’re safe. And we’re lucky. Thank you, AC Reynolds.

No matter what the offense, you can be confident the school has it under control. Terrorism is being kept at bay by Reynolds safety regulations. So next time you reluctantly wear the latest in T-shirt fashion to flaunt “I love learning,” remember what noble cause you are serving.